If You Don’t Like Me

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Photo by: BK at source.

I’m a creature of many flaws. I could start this post with naming my vanities, negatives and insecurities, but I won’t. We live in a world where others are all to quick to name our disadvantages for us and I see no point in helping them. I acknowledge my faults and celebrate all the positives. I choose that.

I try to keep a stiff upper lip when it comes to my “haters” and just ignore it. Granted, there aren’t that many, but I think you know the feeling: as much as you may try, it hurts. I know for myself, injustices really hurt. I do my best to be fair to people and I wish people had the common decency not to portray me as the demon’s spawn in return. No matter what, we always have people like that in our lives.

So here’s a little something for the nay-sayers of my life: I will do my hardest to keep you from my thoughts; will do my hardest not to let your sad lives touch mine and will do my best to be kind to you if/whenever I see you. I will not, on the other hand, let you live your life without you knowing that I think there’s a better way for you to behave, nor will I let you think you’re getting away with your lies. I will not hide from you, I will not be afraid of you. I will instead love myself enough to let you know that although what you say about me isn’t true and you are in desperate need to figure your own s**t out, I don’t let it rule my everyday life. Anyone not in favour of how I live my life just needs to mind their own business. Especially if they can’t be bothered to really get to know me.

Things become hard when these Debbie Downers are an immediate part of your life: family, extended family or people you just cannot avoid.

What do I do? Do I defend myself? Do I cut ties? Do I ignore it?

To be honest, I’m dealing with a little something like that in my life right now and what I see working best for me is a combination of everything. I know I have tried oh so many times to have a good relationship with certain people and we never seemed to click for some reason or another. One thing I’m trying tot tell myself now and after all these years is that that’s okay. Just because someone should be a big part of your life in theory, does not mean they have to be a big part of your life in practice. It does not mean you don’t love them or that things will never change, but if you do everything you can and the result is always your disappointment, you have to love yourself more and let go. The other thing I think is worth mentioning is not to start a war. Why create this huge drama in your life if there’s really no acceptable or positive outcome? I don’t think creating a conflict would work for my life or the ones closest to me, so I simply choose not to. This does not mean you have to take whatever bull someone feeds you. I’ve been hearing all sorts of stuff about who I allegedly am and what I’ve caused for certain people. I know that these things are most definitely not true and was (I admit) hurt when I heard about what was going on. I don’t have to let stuff like this go unnoticed. I can be firm and kind and just tell that person to really start figuring their own lives out, because they seem in desperate need to do so.

I’d love to be able to get along with everyone and I wish nothing but the best for this entire planet. I have great compassion in my heart and I can feel the hurt, the sadness and loneliness. I see how wonderful things could be with just a little kindness, grace and dignity. I will not, on the other hand, let anyone poison my heart. I simply won’t. My life has become so much better and fuller ever  since I chose to surround myself with positive people. They’re the ones that deserve my focus, love and attention.

Stupid Girls

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

Anne Frank

I recently read Anne Frank’s Diary for the very first time. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I guess ignorance kept me away: I knew what happened to the family in the end and I guess I just didn’t want that story embedded in my brain. After finishing with the book, the one thing that kept coming back to me is how very eloquent and studious she was. Sure, she was a teen and had her ups and downs, but she had the ability to write her thoughts down in coherent, comprehensible sentences- even if they were petty stabs at her family. While in hiding, she worked on her French, English, German and Dutch, Algebra, History, Geography, Art History, Mythology, Biology, Bible History … I understand the argument that she probably had nothing better to do, but she could have spent her days focusing on her movie stars and light literature. She was waiting for the war to be over to become someone and tried to spend her time in hiding working on herself.

It makes me think about young girls today and what I see around me. It worries me. I’ll be blunt and tell it like I see it: We’re raising narrow-minded, one-trick-pony people who all look alike. Mind you, I’m talking about brain power and what one learns and what kind of knowledge people aspire to acquire. This is not me saying that young girls (and boys) are bad people, I’m not judging their character or intentions. But the fact is that the average sixteen year old girl today looks like she’s twenty-five: her boobies are out, there’s an aura of perfume around her and her face is painted worse than an ancient warrior’s. Plus, she talks all grown up and about all the wrong things.

Women have had their ups and downs when it comes to the success against oppression and in the fight for equality. I’m so very fortunate to live in a “free” country. I’m not owned by my husband, I vote, I have access to education, I can have a career and so much more. There are women out there TODAY living in hell. No education, no freedom, living  worse than cattle. This is why it makes me angry when I see us here squandering our lives away. Doing what? Taking hundreds of photos of ourselves, posting them on social media and refreshing the sites to find out how many likes our duck faces got us. Buying corsets to make our waists look smaller (we’re gladly buying these signs of oppression to be liked- Victorian women are probably turning in their graves!). Acting like complete buffoons with no brains, trying to make it look cute. WHY?? I hate the term “basic bitch”, but it couldn’t be more appropriate for us: we’re all morphing into one another. It’s creepy.

We’ve travelled a long way and we’ve still a way to go, but being a woman, to me, is powerful in itself. We can be thinkers, doers, caretakers, lovers, fighters, career- makers … and mothers. We’ve the power to teach our children that Knowledge is sexy, powerful and freeing. Self- esteem is also attractive and so is a sense of humour. Having something behind the eyes is awesome and so is being unique and having an opinion. We have the power help the future grow in their uniqueness and grow in power of knowledge. But we, ourselves, need to posses those traits in order to be able to pass them on.

This is not a stab at youngsters. No. It’s a stab at all of us on the sideline complaining about how horrible today’s youth is and doing absolutely nothing to prevent or stop it. It’s not their fault. They posses something we mostly never leaned: how to have an open heart and we seem to be lost in finding a way how to use that to help them become INDIVIDUALS with brains. No! to help them WANT to become individuals with brains.

Let’s make “smart” sexy again.

Dear Sixty Year Old Me

Let me start by saying that I hope you’re happy and healthy. I’m really working hard to make sure you’re in good condition and not … like … peeing everywhere because I never bothered to do my Kegels. I hope you’re still doing yoga and by now celebrating about twenty-nine years of being a vegan.

I hope you’re living your life to the fullest and you’re regretting nothing you did and very little of what you didn’t. I hope you got to see the Soča river so many times you call it home by now. I hope you’ve seen more forests than cities. I hope you’ve walked all the paths you wanted to walk down. I hope you still have plenty of paths waiting for you and you’re excited to get going. I hope you live in your little dream house and I hope your garden in the summer smells like heaven.

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Photo by: Maegan Tintari at source.

I also hope you still know you’re not too old to live fully. I look at people around your age now and it makes me sad to see that most of them seem to believe that their life is over.  I’m working very hard for us to find our full inner potential and I hope you are, too. You are never too old to find your full inner potential. We all have so much to give.

I hope you still dance and do it when people see you and when they don’t. I hope you laughed more than you cried and if you did cry a lot (given the fact what a big crier I am, it’s not likely to change). I hope you still like a juicy romance novel. I love those.

You probably know more than I do now. I try to keep my heart open for new people, things and experiences. I hope life hasn’t taught you how to close yours off. It would be a shame, that. Life has so much to offer, but sometimes I know it all seems bad. It’s not all bad. When life shows it’s gracious side, it’s wonderful and those are the things I hope to keep in my heart. I hope you’re still trying to live with kindness and grace.

On the other hand, I hope you’ve learned when to say “F**k off” to people who oh, so clearly don’t deserve you. Yes, some people really need a high five. With a chair. In the face. Sure. But, hey, that’s life. No need to focus on them or be unkind.

All in all, I hope you’re in love with your life. I’m looking forward to seeing what it’s like. It’s true that I’m not looking forward to the unavoidable wrinkles and all sorts of problems, caused by gravitation, but I hope to learn to take it all in stride. I’m trying to give you lots of memories and keep our hearts loved.

Let it be known that I love you, you old hag! You’d better do our lives justice.

P.s. You’re still hot and please don’t let anyone think you can’t wear a bikini any more 😉

You Are Worth Eating Smart

Food is a challenge for little ol’ me. I’m what you’d call an “emotional eater” and that means I like to eat my emotions and moods away. Whenever I get sad, angry, stressed, frustrated or any other possible negative emotion, I feel a very deep need to eat. I feel the need to eat everything “wrong”: all sorts of fried stuff, bread- based foods and sweets … you name it. When I was at my worst, I would, after having my fill of the fried goods or eating something to do with a whole lot of bread, switch to something sweet and the sweet stuff would then make me feel peckish and crave some of the savoury foods again. And so my health started spiralling out of order. I was always miserable and always hungry because of my misery.

This was also a time when my cooking skills worked against me. I really like to cook and, as it is with everything else, practice has helped with me cooking up a storm. I baked cakes, cookies, breads an all sorts of goodnesses. All to the detriment of my physical and mental health. Do you ever visit a fast food restaurant, after craving for it all day, then eat the junk food and feel all happy, only to be disgusted after … and sad … and disappointed? It was like that on a daily basis for me, but I was doing the cooking and preparing my death- meals myself.

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Photo by: John Liu at source.

I already wrote about fresh starts and a little about my healthier journey with food. I haven’t yet talked about what goes through my mind on a daily basis and how my eating habits are affected by my oh! so many moods. For me, my relationship with food isn’t only problematic when I’m in an emotional turmoil, but it’s also a little random, because I’m a foodie: I like preparing great food and I enjoy eating good food. Most of the time, I’m really happy with where my brain is: I make good food for myself and my husband and I feel strong and healthy, because I make food that’s good, but also good for us.

But THOSE days do creep up: days where I dream of nothing but everything I should avoid.

Here’s what goes on with me on one of those days:

I usually start my day by drinking a glass of warm water with half a lemon’s worth of lemon juice. I then take my dog for a walk or, if the weather’s bad and she prefers not to get her hair wet (yes, she’s special like that :D), we stay inside and we train. After that, I do my yoga. I work out six days a week for about half an hour to one hour. After that, if it’s a normal day, it’s about nine in the morning and it’s time for breakfast. I usually eat something like oatmeal and bananas for breakfast, but I also like eggs or maybe some sort of veg- based spread on bread (I have bread for breakfast practically everyday and if I don’t, don’t come near me, because I just might kill you with my eyes alone :D). I’m usually good with breakfast and I like to make sure I’ve eaten enough so that I feel full. I’m fortunate enough to be able to work from home, but it can also be a problem, because food is always just a few steps away and here’s where I usually start struggling: I take a break at about one pm. I make myself some soup or I eat nuts and fruits. This is also the time when the cravings start to kick in and it’s starting to get bad. I really like any sort of chocolate-spongy-treat and it’s so hard to stay away. I usually have to battle myself and not go see what’s hangin’ in the sweets department in our house (I don’t buy sweets for myself, but my hubby doesn’t share my sentiments, bless his darling heart). I’ve worked really hard to crack my little sugar addiction, but I admit that it’s hard sometimes. At four pm, we have lunch. I’m a vegetarian and my hubby eats meat only one day a week, so I’ll make roasted veggies or pasta with veggies- we eat a lot of vegetables, basically. After that, I eat fruits or maybe a salad and I never eat after six pm. My junk cravings are, by now, through the roof. When it comes to what I drink, it’s very usually water and tea. I drink A LOT of water. Surprisingly, I don’t like sugary drinks all that much, so that’s at least one less thing for me to pine over.

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Photo by: Micholo J at source.

I’ve had to battle my craving for junk for as long as I can remember. I know it’s not good for my health and eating a lot of what is worst for the body just leaves me emotionally depleted, but it doesn’t help with the cravings. What does help?

Well, for me, the thing that helps is telling myself that I deserve more than to have my body be sick because of temporary poor choices. I tell myself that I’m worth eating smart. And then I just power through the days. Some days I crack. And sometimes I get through one day, just to wake up the next with the first thing on my mind: sugar. It’s life.

I keep on telling myself I’m worth eating smart. I think of all the problems my diet choices caused in the past and refuse to go back. The upside is that those days don’t come to visit as often as they did in the past. I’m finally happy. And I’ll be damned if I let myself spoil my own happiness again. I’m worth eating smart. I’m worth being healthy. I’m worth the time I spend on my yoga mat. I’m worth being the best possible version of myself.

Everyone has their own struggles. We all worm through life with something nagging us and making us feel like we’re not deserving and we haven’t done enough. I guess my worm is food and how I tend to be a little abusive with it. I accept it. BUT! It will not decimate my life into an abyss of loneliness and depression. Food is meant to nourish  us and keep us strong; not keep us captive.

If you’re anything like me and you found a little truth in what I’ve written for your own life, know that you always have a direct choice. Choose to be happy and healthy. Choose to make better decisions for yourself. You are so very worth it.