One Step Forward, Three And a Half Back … Or Is It Vice Versa?

Your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” (Unknown)

Where have I been?

I write a lot. I do it as a career. I have my little organised desk, a sleeping dog at both sides of my chair and tea. It’s where I get lost: I explore, plan and think about how I want to put things so that others may have benefit. My fingers are very much used to the keyboard and my body moves without thought. My soul, on the other hand, has been just a little vacant.  My brain has been in overdrive in the past few months, but I’ve been creatively drained and preoccupied.

The funny thing is that I thought I was happy.

This, right now, feels so good. Just letting the words flow. Not really thinking.

Do you know the feeling of being trapped and free at the same time? It’s where I’ve been for the past few months: wonderfully elated and scared as heck at the same time. I thought I knew how to swerve and steer away and around all the bumps in the road. Life, on the other hand, had other plans and different cards were dealt.

I guess I don’t have it all figured out.

Gratitude saves me. Keeping myself actively awake saves me. The past has taught me what it’s like to be completely in the dark in regards of who I am. My life was all about others and what I thought might change their lives or cater to their needs. The hard lesson was that I can only change myself. No matter how hard I try, I cannot fix the ones I love. This gave a little light. But I still didn’t love myself and I didn’t like the person I was. It was a bumpy road, but I managed to see myself as someone worth loving. Not by others, but by myself.

The darkness has been creeping up lately. I feel the need to fix the ones I love more than I ever have. I feel the need to control things I have little or no control over and letting go is so hard. I’m starting to slip up and forget about the woman who vowed to make herself look in the mirror and find at least one good quality.

I find myself craving more of life. I have all the tools to do so. Yet I’m so afraid.

I feel like I’m in a cocoon: warm and cosy in my little bubble of the things I know and the people I love. And very blind. It seems like I’ve poked a hole through my little piece of unregistered heaven and am now peeking out like the little scared critter I really am. I didn’t expect to tear a hole while being so very careful not to stir up the only place I know as home. I have worked so hard to build it. The hole is now here and I cannot ignore it anymore. The proverbial excrement has hit the fan.

I find myself lacking patience and strength to continue to set aside what I want for my life- just mine. I’ve been serving others for as long as I can remember. Sure, I’ve made plenty of progress and a few lines were drawn, but even writing about what I want or like feels inherently wrong and selfish. That can only mean I’m not there yet.

I can only change myself. I won’t make new year’s resolutions. I won’t go jumping off airplanes any day soon. I will, on the other hand, strive to find out what it is I want for my life, make the hole in the cosy cocoon a little bigger and see where life takes me.

So, no. My value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see my worth. I now see I’ve done that quite perfectly myself. And enough is enough.